How often have you told your best joke, only to be told by the listener that YOU were too quick? Before scrolling on to the jokes, here's a little exorcise to focus the concentration.
Classic Tommy Cooper One Liners!
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaagghhh' and everyone just stares at you.But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
Subject: Hotel Notices
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMIKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO
SUCH A THING PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTISE.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel Brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR IT'S PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM
ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT
YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER
MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS
THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMERMAID.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
Tailor shop, Rhodes:
ORDER YOUR SUMMER SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM; IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In a window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
"Hello, and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
|Top 50 Oxymora|
50. Act naturally
And the Number One, top oxymoron:
1. Microsoft Works
The Virus Definitions
Since the worldwide strike of the "ILOVEYOUVIRUS", reports are
already coming in that the virus is mutating into several stages. Within
the next few weeks, expect to see:
The original "I love you" virus
The "I like you a lot" virus
The "You're nice, but I just want to be friends" virus
The "It's not you, it's me" virus
The "Look, it was just a date ... don't get clingy" virus
The "Okay, I think it's best if we don't have anymore contact" virus
The "It was late, I was drunk, you were easy" virus
The "Stop calling me, you unfeeling prick" virus
and finally, the "That's it, I hate you and your stupid dog" virus
The "No, I Ruullllyyyy Like You" Virus ... usually hits around midnight
The "You're Beawfullll ....." virus ... usually hits about 2.00am
The "Nothing has to happen. I just want to wake up with you in my arms"
careful, it's a sly one.
The "You're OK, but I was wondering if your friend is single" virus
The "Of course I'll phone you ... Now do you want me to call a cab for you?"
... hmmm, that'll hit anytime between 3.00am and noon!
There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of
"work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT!!
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have
been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their
social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all,
then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words
"Sorry...I'm off to the pub". The "work" should then be automatically
deleted from your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form,
simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your rubbish bin. Put on
your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints
of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work"
will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have
anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already
corrupted your life.
Top 10 reasons why e-mail is like a penis...
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy,"
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a penis .....
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!
Malapropisms - The Irish Collection
The ould fogarties weren't impressed.
He communicates to work every morning.
Parsley, stage, rosemary and thyme.
The sun was blaring in the window.
...when there was still apartment in South Africa.
He was done for agitated murder.
I told you what the course curtails already.
...and then the thing goes off like hayshit.
The barman must think the four of us are a right pair of dispos.
The penis is the only part of a man's anatomy that's inflammable.
I washed my hands, then I discovered the air-towel wasn't working.
Don't count your eggs before they hatch.
Don't look at the fire when you're poking it.
"Happy 175th Birthday"... Jaysus, I didn't realise that place was 150 years old.
Sure that's only statistics, that's not based on fact.
You can always tell they're faggots because there's a certain aroma about them.
They all thought it was just a phrase he was going through.
I told my doctor about the lack of sex-drive, and apparently I may need terrestrial injections.
You know, this is the first hospital I was ever born in.
That's a feasible excuse if ever I heard one.
I must admit, I quite enjoy some of these Eye on the Wall documentaries.
I guess he's alright, but I can only take him in small company.
Does that bell ring a place?
My brother brought me this bamboo back from Australia - and it does actually come back when you throw it.
I don't drool on the fact that I'm suffering.
That section used to look better when they had a petition there.
This sports club is very good - they have cricket and crochet as well.
You know, he even fascinates about his conquests in his sleep.
These chocolates have the Canadian emblem on the top - see the make-believe here!
If you decide not to get the actual phone when Telecom are putting the line in, they'll give you adisconnection of £20.
I woke up the other morning with a severe headover.
I hear they're going to ban those mobiles because of the remission from them.
When you're applying for the job, your CD has to have your photo on it.
I have no intention of being a pompous Maradonna.
Give him the slightest encouragement, and he'd be away in a haystack.
I gave her a bar of Toblerone, and told her to keep me a square.
I like many types of seafood, but I find that clamps don't agree with me.
They come over the last month in May.
You're waffling as usual - keep to the contract of the story.
The hospital sent him a letter with a date for his anagram.
If he was a businessman, he'd be a triple millionaire five times over.
He picked it up when no-one was looking, went up to the loo and hid the item behind the Citroen till the coast was clear.
The Quotes Collection
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
- Marilyn Pittman
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
- Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place,"
- Billy Crystal
"Crisis creates opportunity."
- Walter Klores